Photo by Zygia

Story note: I always wondered how the clever hero of the Jack Tales managed to marry so many princesses. That led me to this story – what happens when his latest girlfriend finds out about all the others?

The End of Jack, As Told To Snow White

I want to tell you everything.

Pour me another drop of wine, my sweet.  Not bad for a poor widow’s son, eh? But even being made a prince can’t compare to the first time I saw you. You had me the moment I saw you lying in that coffin of glass, your tender young bosom peaking out from your pretty smock.

Ahh, you’re so charming when you blush – your skin takes on the rosy color of the first fall apple.

I can’t deny it. There have been other girls before you, but none have captured me as you have, my ebony-haired beauty. It wouldn’t be right, getting married without knowing everything there is to know about each other. You’ve told me all about your little friends in the woods. I’d hate for you to hear some twice-told story about me before I got the chance to tell it myself!

Shall I start?

I left home when I was just a lad. There was a bit of a fuss over the family cow and some beans, so I decided to make my own fortune. Frankly, the old girl was past her prime anyway.

What’s that? Yes, I’d love a bit of cheese. And some roast beef if you have any. There’s a good girl.

That’s when I killed the giant. I don’t like to talk about it much. Hiding in the oven – smelling the blood and all – it still gives me the shivers. If it weren’t for the giant’s wife taking a shine to me, I wouldn’t be here today. No, she wasn’t beautiful. She was a giant for God’s sake, but she had her charms. Such – ow! What was that for? Here, sit on my lap. Now, where was I?

My first real love was the miller’s daughter – keep in mind that I’d barely left my mother’s apron strings. I had no idea that such unspoiled loveliness as yours existed in the world! Anyway, she wore her hair in a kerchief and had the sweetest little ears, like two blushing pears. She was as powdered as a courtesan from the mill’s flour and tasted like sweet cake. But her father had political connections. Once she figured out how to spin straw into gold I never saw her again. I hear she’s done well for herself, the sly thing – married the king and gave him a little princess.

Of course she couldn’t compare to your flawless skin. Let me kiss those blood-red lips. Give me a kiss, now. Don’t pout. And another drop of wine.

After that, well there were a couple of princesses before you. I can’t deny it. Think of them as your ladies-in-waiting, ha ha.

No, of course I’m not still in contact with them! They live out of town.

First was that haunted castle outside of Swaledale. It was a bit unnerving, but not as bad as spending the night on the moors. The weather in that part of the country is atrocious.

The princess was an ethereal vision, swathed in silk with golden hair that cascaded to her knees.  I stayed the night to rid her father’s castle of the ghost. But while the princess let me sleep that first evening, I never had a decent night’s rest all the nights after.  Now don’t look at me like that, it’s not what you think.  She snored like a congested dragon. After I received my rightful title as Prince Charming for saving them from the haunting, I hightailed it out of the moors for the south.

After that was the princess who never laughed.  She was all right as princesses go, lovely as the moon, blah blah blah. I think her father made a bit much of her. She was too serious. Honestly, I only got her to chuckle that one time. The whole thing was an accident. You think I planned that out, being stuck to a goose? I never got so much as a chortle out of her after that. Who wants to be married to someone with no sense of humor? That’s what I like about you, my sweet lump of sugar. You have the loveliest little giggle.

Why yes, I’d love an apple.
In fact, I’ve never seen an apple quite so charmed, rosy red and snowy white. Except for that one tiny bite in it, it’s almost as perfect as you.